The Next Chapter - The New Journey, Life After...

 Its been a while.  A long while.  This pandemic was nuts.  Everything shut down to give us much time in the worst place possible.  Our heads.  Minds are such a funny thing.  They create and manipulate, analyze and design.  The worst is when they don't match your heart.  The heart says one thing while our minds listen to every ONE else.  Like the elephant in the room...I want to fall in love again, I want to be loved, I want to give love, but who will I hurt in the process?  Will I hurt my kids?  Will I not be honoring his legacy?  Will I hurt this new love by honoring a past? What about me?  Am I being selfish?  When is it really time to close the book of your past and start writing a new one?  I don't mean a chapter; I mean a whole new book in the series of life?  At what lengths am I willing to go to grow into the woman that God wants me to be?  Why does it have to be so painful?  I guess t...

Permission.  It's such a funny word, isn't it?  We need permission to be excused from the dinner table.  We need permission to use the bathroom in school.  We even need permission to take off from work in order to spend time with OUR OWN families.  So why do I feel like I need permission to let Tony go?  Why do I feel like I need the blessings of others in order to be happy and free from my vows?   Till death do us part was the freedom of a new beginning.  A celebration of the ever after.  His ever after, not my ever after.  It gave me permission to embark on a new journey.  It allowed me to figure out who Christy is through self-love, inner peace, a new outfit, a vacation, even a new identity.  I felt as if I needed the blessings of others to be happy.  What if I started to date?  What if I fell in love? What would my kids think?  Did I forget about their dad?  Did I not love him anymore?  Was I c...

I want to open up to you  But you'll probably think I'm crazy  I was in love before  It was beautiful it was amazing   Then he took his last breath  Felt like I was punched in the chest  The pain inside my heart  Pain under my breast    I lost myself  When I said I do  Kids house a mortgage  Then came the cancer that too   No longer was I cherished Caressed and love Instead, it was doctors and poison Infusions with gloves   I held his hand  through the pain  The cancer was killing him  Making me go insane   It was tearing me down  Watching him fade  I thought my love  was strong enough to save   His life on Earth  But I failed  And now he's gone  Our ship has sailed    Then here you came  Into my life  I know it's too soon  To be your wife    But you ...

What's your favorite movie?  Forrest Gump...no wait, that was his.  I don't like watching movies.  I can't sit still long enough. What's your favorite food? Seafood...nope, again, that was his.  Anything Oreo and Ice-cream :) Beach or Mountains? Ummm...can I like both? What do you like to do in your free time?  I don't know...why?  I don't know who I am not being a wife.  I learned to like everything he liked.  Not a bad thing, totally got to experience new things.  Sometimes I like to put on a gown, but tomorrow can I eat pizza in my PJs?  Is it ok to like Starwars and chick flicks?  How about sports?  I'd rather watch football than the latest Soap.  Does that make me one of the guys now?  Can I be one of the guys but respected like a woman?  This past year I have experienced so many new things...but the best part...I began discovering ME!!  It started with a girls trip to LA.  Then golf lessons and a ...

I sit in my office alone now.  They shut everything down now Isolation and Social distancing.  You say it like it will hurt me.  I've been social distancing for quite a while now.  Communicate in silence now. Apparently there are rules...wow! Do you see my tears?  Do you see my fears?  Do you see what I've been through?  Am I faking it well? That smile I put on this morning?  Nothing seems different to me.  Its just another day without him The person that loved me What do I miss?  I miss being loved.  Lewis Capaldi said it best, "I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved."  The truth is, for me now I do smile for real now.  I can go to the store alone and be okay now. I've accepted he's not by my side now. I learned to step outside. How? With acceptance comes strength.  With strength comes courage.  With courage comes hope.  My hope is back now.  Ready to return to...

Tonight , a year ago, you could hardly talk. Tonight, a year ago, you could hardly stay still. Tonight, a year ago, I made the HARDEST decision, I ever had to make in my life.  T onight, a year ago, I forgot to set my alarm. Tonight, a year ago, you finally relaxed. Tonight, a year ago, we all slept through the night Tonight, a year ago, was the last time I heard you say, "I love you." Does it hurt?  The pain in my chest is gone. Is it hard? I've gotten used to the silence...and sometimes like it. Are you happy? Yes!! I can honestly say, a sense of peace has come over me these past few weeks.  That's what he wanted for me. When I truly accepted his absence, truly allowed myself to be of service to those that are walking the same path I have,  then did I stop being angry and feeling sorry for myself.  Then did I stop making this about MY feelings.  Because I still wanted him around.  That's pretty darn selfish. Its milestones.  If I...