What Happened To Me?

 Its been a while.  A long while.  This pandemic was nuts.  Everything shut down to give us much time in the worst place possible.  Our heads.  Minds are such a funny thing.  They create and manipulate, analyze and design.  The worst is when they don't match your heart.  The heart says one thing while our minds listen to every ONE else.  Like the elephant in the room...I want to fall in love again, I want to be loved, I want to give love, but who will I hurt in the process?  Will I hurt my kids?  Will I not be honoring his legacy?  Will I hurt this new love by honoring a past? What about me?  Am I being selfish?  When is it really time to close the book of your past and start writing a new one?  I don't mean a chapter; I mean a whole new book in the series of life?  At what lengths am I willing to go to grow into the woman that God wants me to be?  Why does it have to be so painful?  I guess that's why its called growing pains.

The hard part about death is its so permanent.  There is no getting back together.  No walking back through the door.  Its over. But is it?

I had never experienced heartbreak that wasn't affiliated with death.  Like a breakup. See, I am the girl that didn't get asked to prom.  The girl that was kept a secret if a guy showed any interest.  I guess they were embarrassed?  So my heart was protected.  Then came a man that shouted me from the roof tops.  I was HIS number one and he was mine.  He wanted to commit to me and only me.  Then he left.  God took him home.  I thought there would never be room for anyone else.  That no one else would ever be excited to be with me.  I had so much love to give but scared to give it.  What if I hurt others in the process?  At the end of the day, I was just hurting myself.  Not allowing myself to be free and vulnerable. 

Woah there friend...give yourself a break. Slow down and breathe...yeah that'd be me talking to myself which I often do now.  Did you forget about God?  "Here Christy," He'd say, "Hold my drink"...yeah my God has a sense of humor.  Like I could actually control any of what was really going on.  I could only control how I responded to things.  God's got me, my heart, and those that I love, He's got theirs too.  God allowed me to heal in a manner that was bigger than I could ever imagine.  He shifted relationships, which brought me closer to Him.  He allowed me to feel brutal pain in order to grow.  He gave me strength to pick up where I left off after that Cross Country Road trip.  

I made some big changes in my life that allowed me to feel like Me again.  

I absolutely LOVE being a mother.  That's why I chose to have children.  So my job, is to participate in their lives in all areas.  I LOVE to sing.  So I seek out karaoke bars and set the machine up at home...now I sing more.  I love dessert, so now I order the cake...just some extra time in at the gym 😆 🤣.   God's got me when I surrender to HIM amd keep the FAITH.

I survived and that is what matters.  I did it with dignity, grace, and class.  I will continue my new book.  I will rise above pain and grow.  I will pray for those that hurt me, and I will pray for God's will.  I know whatever he has intended for me, is way better than I can ever imagine.