Its Been 364 Days (Not Yet A Year)

Tonight, a year ago, you could hardly talk.
Tonight, a year ago, you could hardly stay still.
Tonight, a year ago, I made the HARDEST decision, I ever had to make in my life. 
Tonight, a year ago, I forgot to set my alarm.
Tonight, a year ago, you finally relaxed.
Tonight, a year ago, we all slept through the night
Tonight, a year ago, was the last time I heard you say, "I love you."

Does it hurt?  The pain in my chest is gone.

Is it hard? I've gotten used to the silence...and sometimes like it.

Are you happy? Yes!! I can honestly say, a sense of peace has come over me these past few weeks.  That's what he wanted for me.

When I truly accepted his absence, truly allowed myself to be of service to those that are walking the same path I have,  then did I stop being angry and feeling sorry for myself.  Then did I stop making this about MY feelings.  Because I still wanted him around.  That's pretty darn selfish.

Its milestones.  If I focus on milestones that everything THINKS and ASSUMES will be hard, when maybe, just maybe its a victory of peace.  A solution to pain and suffering.  The gratitude of what he gave me is apparent in my actions.  Pain with relief.  The ability to say, I am moving forward in my life because he is NOT coming back.  And its NOT his fault.  There is no blame.  Its accepting how our life is at this very moment.

 So how did this 38 year old widow got through her first 365 days?  One day, one moment, one action at a time.


 




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Don't Forget The Toilet Paper

Image
What have I learned from being a widow...well, NO I'M NOT SINGLE. I don't care what people say...the box widow and single are different on the forms you have to fill out.  Oh yeah, updating your paperwork sucks.  Like who do I put for my emergency contact?  Who do I put for my kids?  Its just all so heartbreaking of a reminder.  The triggers.  Those are hard too. So the other morning, I did my normal routine of waking up and getting the kids on the bus and then if need be heading to the bathroom etc.  I sat down on the toilet seat only to see that there was no toilet paper on the roll.  Normally, this is no big deal.  "Honey, can you get me some toilet paper?"  As those words were about to leave my mouth, I stopped and said, SHIT!!  I had to do the duck walk...now you ladies ALL know what that is.   I saw the toilet paper was on the sink.  My dearest 8 year old must of had to blow his nose cause there, across the ba...
Read more

A Month Without You

Image
I am beginning to breath again.  I even laughed.  Its amazing how if you're quiet and you open your mind and heart, you can still hear them.  I still hear my Tony giving me advise, expressing his opinion, and reminding me that he is still around.  Getting to this point wasn't easy. The Monday before Valentines Day, I literally put my foot through my bathroom door because Aydin locked himself in the bathroom.  I told him if he didn't open it I was going to kick in the door.  Well OF COURSE I couldn't go back on my word.  Needless to say, I had to replace the door.  I laugh about it now.  Especially when I heard Tony say, WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING???  Well what can I say, at least doors can be replaced and it was a great stress reliever.  I reminded Aydin we have 10 more years of this and we can do this the easy way or the hard way.  His eyes I think just went back into his head.  Being a mom doesn't change just cau...
Read more

The Tears of Pain Come Unexpectedly

Image
I cried today. I didn't want to. I was thinking about the great time the boys and I had yesterday just the 5 of us. We were smiling having a good time even talking about Tony. But today I cried. To day the tears started flowing and the pain in my chest was gut wrenching. It came from my toes and snuck its way up until I couldn't hold it back. I don't know what brought it on help I honestly wish it didn't even start. I had the best dream about him last night. he looked so good. He got down on one knee and proposed again. I was so excited.   The dream was so real I remember it was the day the cleaning ladies were coming and I was quickly running around the house picking everything up. Tony stopped in the middle of the hallway got down on one knee and said please marry me again. That he when he laid in the bed then he gave  Me the look. I chuckled and said we can't honey the cleaning ladies are here lol. It was so real. So real that when I woke up I was miserable. I ju...
Read more