Permission

Permission.  It's such a funny word, isn't it?  We need permission to be excused from the dinner table.  We need permission to use the bathroom in school.  We even need permission to take off from work in order to spend time with OUR OWN families.  So why do I feel like I need permission to let Tony go?  Why do I feel like I need the blessings of others in order to be happy and free from my vows?  

Till death do us part was the freedom of a new beginning.  A celebration of the ever after.  His ever after, not my ever after.  It gave me permission to embark on a new journey.  It allowed me to figure out who Christy is through self-love, inner peace, a new outfit, a vacation, even a new identity.  I felt as if I needed the blessings of others to be happy.  What if I started to date?  What if I fell in love? What would my kids think?  Did I forget about their dad?  Did I not love him anymore?  Was I cheating on him?  What would my brothers think?  Would we still be a family?  Would they still protect me?  Do I need protecting?

I am honored to be a part of Tony's legacy, but that doesn't mean his legacy is going to be mine.  And that is okay.  I have learned that I needed to give myself permission to be happy.  I needed to give myself my own blessing.  Just because I took pictures off the walls, and put the letters in a drawer, doesn't mean I would forget, or the love never existed. It means I have come to the crossroads of living in the past or continuing on towards the future that God wants me to walk.   I needed to feel the pain in order to grow.

I have learned how to love unconditionally.  How to love through ups and downs.  How to be vulnerable knowing it will end.  But what I hadn't learned, was how to not be responsible for my kid's honoring their father's legacy.  I didn't know how to allow them to have their own grief at their own time without me forcing it on them.  Not knowing, I could be hurting others in the process.  I could be hurting them. and truthfully, I was hurting myself.  

You see, after death we often feel if we don't talk about them, honor them, share the stories, we will forget.  That is never the case.  Instead, we need to focus on who is here.  Right here, right now.  Who is in the circle being part of the celebration.  Part of our life today. The people that stuck around.  The people that showed up and stayed.  Look around.  The people that know you, love you, want to see that smile again.  Their support is your blessing.

Today one of my brothers gave me permission and told me I needed to let him (Tony) go.  I can't continue living in the past and living two different lives. He was right. I made the decision...it was time. My family is whole.  It's how it's supposed to be. I, however, am not.  I needed to do one more thing.

Tonight, I took myself out.  I went to the movies all by myself. I took myself shopping, and even brought home some hot doughnuts.  I prayed, I wrote, and now it's time for a hard conversation that I wasn't ready to have until now.  It's time for me to let him go...it's time for me to give myself that blessing of freedom.  It's time for me to move forward.