It's Not Just Coffee

"Maybe we can just meet for coffee and get to know one another."
"I'm so sorry you lost your spouse.  At least you don't have to deal with an ex."
"You're perfect in every way, you check all the boxes...but..."
"Wow, you are really put together. I don't know if there is room for us to grow."
"Any man would be lucky to have you."

These are the famous one liners a woman like me gets.  Listen, it's not about coffee, or lunch, and getting know me.  Do you know how exhausting it is to allow someone in?  No, I'm not moving 2 hrs away so what's the point of a meal?  You're not ever going to meet my children because I refuse to bring another man into their lives.  For what?  Risk of another failed relationship?  For my children to be subjected to their mothers tears over another heart break? Yeah, no thank you.  So yeah, it's not "just coffee" for me.  

How does a young widow date?  Am I considered young?  I'm 42, going on empty nest in T-minus 5 years.  Maybe then I can audition for the Golden Bachelorette.  

I miss companionship.  I miss being loved and cared for.  I miss being touched and held.  I miss having the support of someone where I didn't have to pay them. Wow that sounded bad.  Someone that genuinely wanted to care for me, didn't have to.

It seems the dating pool is full of broken men from broken women. Women that corrupted good hardworking men. Trust me, I was married to one. Widows aren't broken.   We will love you in a manor that you never thought imaginable.  Especially caregiver widows.  We love unconditionally.  Without fail, till the end.  Everyone deserves that type of love.  

I'm laying here in this big bed with half of it made.  In this big house that used to be filled with dogs and children. It's lonely. It's quiet. My head is loud.  

I'm exhausted.  Emotionally.  Learning to decompress in silence.  Pen to paper, knees to pray.  Thanking instead of asking.  Being present and grateful 🙏.  Not focusing on what is missing in my life, but embracing what is. 

Tonight before bed, I made myself a cup of coffee.  Tonight for me, this time, it WAS just coffee.









Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Don't Forget The Toilet Paper

Image
What have I learned from being a widow...well, NO I'M NOT SINGLE. I don't care what people say...the box widow and single are different on the forms you have to fill out.  Oh yeah, updating your paperwork sucks.  Like who do I put for my emergency contact?  Who do I put for my kids?  Its just all so heartbreaking of a reminder.  The triggers.  Those are hard too. So the other morning, I did my normal routine of waking up and getting the kids on the bus and then if need be heading to the bathroom etc.  I sat down on the toilet seat only to see that there was no toilet paper on the roll.  Normally, this is no big deal.  "Honey, can you get me some toilet paper?"  As those words were about to leave my mouth, I stopped and said, SHIT!!  I had to do the duck walk...now you ladies ALL know what that is.   I saw the toilet paper was on the sink.  My dearest 8 year old must of had to blow his nose cause there, across the ba...
Read more

A Month Without You

Image
I am beginning to breath again.  I even laughed.  Its amazing how if you're quiet and you open your mind and heart, you can still hear them.  I still hear my Tony giving me advise, expressing his opinion, and reminding me that he is still around.  Getting to this point wasn't easy. The Monday before Valentines Day, I literally put my foot through my bathroom door because Aydin locked himself in the bathroom.  I told him if he didn't open it I was going to kick in the door.  Well OF COURSE I couldn't go back on my word.  Needless to say, I had to replace the door.  I laugh about it now.  Especially when I heard Tony say, WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING???  Well what can I say, at least doors can be replaced and it was a great stress reliever.  I reminded Aydin we have 10 more years of this and we can do this the easy way or the hard way.  His eyes I think just went back into his head.  Being a mom doesn't change just cau...
Read more

The Tears of Pain Come Unexpectedly

Image
I cried today. I didn't want to. I was thinking about the great time the boys and I had yesterday just the 5 of us. We were smiling having a good time even talking about Tony. But today I cried. To day the tears started flowing and the pain in my chest was gut wrenching. It came from my toes and snuck its way up until I couldn't hold it back. I don't know what brought it on help I honestly wish it didn't even start. I had the best dream about him last night. he looked so good. He got down on one knee and proposed again. I was so excited.   The dream was so real I remember it was the day the cleaning ladies were coming and I was quickly running around the house picking everything up. Tony stopped in the middle of the hallway got down on one knee and said please marry me again. That he when he laid in the bed then he gave  Me the look. I chuckled and said we can't honey the cleaning ladies are here lol. It was so real. So real that when I woke up I was miserable. I ju...
Read more