The Next Chapter - The New Journey, Life After...

Permission.  It's such a funny word, isn't it?  We need permission to be excused from the dinner table.  We need permission to use the bathroom in school.  We even need permission to take off from work in order to spend time with OUR OWN families.  So why do I feel like I need permission to let Tony go?  Why do I feel like I need the blessings of others in order to be happy and free from my vows?   Till death do us part was the freedom of a new beginning.  A celebration of the ever after.  His ever after, not my ever after.  It gave me permission to embark on a new journey.  It allowed me to figure out who Christy is through self-love, inner peace, a new outfit, a vacation, even a new identity.  I felt as if I needed the blessings of others to be happy.  What if I started to date?  What if I fell in love? What would my kids think?  Did I forget about their dad?  Did I not love him anymore?  Was I c...

I want to open up to you  But you'll probably think I'm crazy  I was in love before  It was beautiful it was amazing   Then he took his last breath  Felt like I was punched in the chest  The pain inside my heart  Pain under my breast    I lost myself  When I said I do  Kids house a mortgage  Then came the cancer that too   No longer was I cherished Caressed and love Instead, it was doctors and poison Infusions with gloves   I held his hand  through the pain  The cancer was killing him  Making me go insane   It was tearing me down  Watching him fade  I thought my love  was strong enough to save   His life on Earth  But I failed  And now he's gone  Our ship has sailed    Then here you came  Into my life  I know it's too soon  To be your wife    But you ...

What's your favorite movie?  Forrest Gump...no wait, that was his.  I don't like watching movies.  I can't sit still long enough. What's your favorite food? Seafood...nope, again, that was his.  Anything Oreo and Ice-cream :) Beach or Mountains? Ummm...can I like both? What do you like to do in your free time?  I don't know...why?  I don't know who I am not being a wife.  I learned to like everything he liked.  Not a bad thing, totally got to experience new things.  Sometimes I like to put on a gown, but tomorrow can I eat pizza in my PJs?  Is it ok to like Starwars and chick flicks?  How about sports?  I'd rather watch football than the latest Soap.  Does that make me one of the guys now?  Can I be one of the guys but respected like a woman?  This past year I have experienced so many new things...but the best part...I began discovering ME!!  It started with a girls trip to LA.  Then golf lessons and a ...

I sit in my office alone now.  They shut everything down now Isolation and Social distancing.  You say it like it will hurt me.  I've been social distancing for quite a while now.  Communicate in silence now. Apparently there are rules...wow! Do you see my tears?  Do you see my fears?  Do you see what I've been through?  Am I faking it well? That smile I put on this morning?  Nothing seems different to me.  Its just another day without him The person that loved me What do I miss?  I miss being loved.  Lewis Capaldi said it best, "I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved."  The truth is, for me now I do smile for real now.  I can go to the store alone and be okay now. I've accepted he's not by my side now. I learned to step outside. How? With acceptance comes strength.  With strength comes courage.  With courage comes hope.  My hope is back now.  Ready to return to...

Tonight , a year ago, you could hardly talk. Tonight, a year ago, you could hardly stay still. Tonight, a year ago, I made the HARDEST decision, I ever had to make in my life.  T onight, a year ago, I forgot to set my alarm. Tonight, a year ago, you finally relaxed. Tonight, a year ago, we all slept through the night Tonight, a year ago, was the last time I heard you say, "I love you." Does it hurt?  The pain in my chest is gone. Is it hard? I've gotten used to the silence...and sometimes like it. Are you happy? Yes!! I can honestly say, a sense of peace has come over me these past few weeks.  That's what he wanted for me. When I truly accepted his absence, truly allowed myself to be of service to those that are walking the same path I have,  then did I stop being angry and feeling sorry for myself.  Then did I stop making this about MY feelings.  Because I still wanted him around.  That's pretty darn selfish. Its milestones.  If I...

It was another normal December day.  Christmas had been celebrated, the decorations were still up.  Another trip to Walmart when my phone rings.  I can hardly understand the person on the other end. "Aunt Christy, its Dad and Sissy.  Mom can't breath.  They've been in an accident.  The paramedics called." "Ok baby girl, take a deep breath. I'm on my way." I dropped everything and ran out of Walmart.  The family that had been there for me from coffee, to setting up Tony's funeral, bringing me breakfast, taking my kids off my hands, making me laugh, and so much more, was about to go through what no parent should ever have to go through. I pulled up to her house.  The car was packed. The family was headed to Georgia, straight to the hospital. "Look at me, you can't control what has happened.  BUT I PROMISE YOU...it WILL be ok." I kissed her cheek, took her younger sons to my house and went home.  After learning that one of the injuri...

Dear Disney, Thank you for giving Step mothers a bad name.  Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty...all the stories of the EVIL STEP MOTHER with fathers who died.  The father who became sick and how their step mothers were STUCK to raise this child.  How awful the children were treated...this misconception has trickled down throughout the years and painted a horrible picture of what a blended family OUGHT to be.  Not all of us step mothers are bad.  In fact, there is probably more good than bad.  Many of us have slipped our step children extra cash when dad wasn't looking because we didn't want them to go hungry, or run out of gas.  We sit in the background crying when they are sick because the doctors shove us out of the room for not being "blood."  We are told, you don't understand because they aren't your biological child...but the truth is, we fell in love with our step children way faster than we ever fell in love with their dad.  For...