Acceptance Is Allowed
It was another normal December day. Christmas had been celebrated, the decorations were still up. Another trip to Walmart when my phone rings. I can hardly understand the person on the other end.
"Aunt Christy, its Dad and Sissy. Mom can't breath. They've been in an accident. The paramedics called."
"Ok baby girl, take a deep breath. I'm on my way."
I dropped everything and ran out of Walmart. The family that had been there for me from coffee, to setting up Tony's funeral, bringing me breakfast, taking my kids off my hands, making me laugh, and so much more, was about to go through what no parent should ever have to go through.
I pulled up to her house. The car was packed. The family was headed to Georgia, straight to the hospital. "Look at me, you can't control what has happened. BUT I PROMISE YOU...it WILL be ok." I kissed her cheek, took her younger sons to my house and went home. After learning that one of the injuries was life threatening, all I could do was pray. I couldn't change the outcome, but I could be there for my friends. I could keep the boys occupied and off her hands.
I had been texting a dear friend of mine who kept me occupied while I sorted my new baseball and football cards. My latest hobby. He kept my mind calm, because I too was worried.
At 6:39, I received a heartbreaking text. "My daughter died." I couldn't think of anything to say. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING I would say, could make it better...this I knew. I was asked to not share the news with the boys, and she of course had my word. I walked into my room, and fell onto my bed. Screaming into a pillow. Tears drenched my pillow and all I could think to say was, "Tony's got her baby...you know he does." It didn't seem fair. But if there is anything I have learned, none of us are promised tomorrow. I couldn't bring her back, I couldn't take away the pain, I was completely powerless. All I could do, was be there for the family...my family. (and not wanting anything in return mind you)
They say the final phase of grief is acceptance. I believe its helping someone through theirs. This beautiful 15 year old is now our guardian angel and her death allowed me to heal. Its hard to put it into words. God has a plan. We don't understand it. Honestly, I don't like it half the time...but there is a reason if I get out of the way and allow him to work, maybe just maybe I'll see it. Being there for Jessica and Nick, Hannah and the boys, helped me realize I was okay. I could keep living. I could keep showing up. I experienced a horrible loss, and by showing up for a family going through the same...its as if I finished the last chapter of my grief, and closed the book. It allowed me to experience gratitude for my boys and them. And I am GRATEFUL for them in my life. They are my family.
Accepting that your loved one is gone and not coming back is NOT something that happens over night. But it is a must and something you have to push through. Everyone that attended the funeral goes back to their every day lives, while we are still trying to figure out what to make for dinner. One less setting at the dinner table. One less person to shop for at Christmas. One less phone call on Mother's Day. One less person in the family picture. But if you look closely, they are there. There are signs. Pay attention. A penny, an orb, a thought, messages from strangers, a dream.
Its almost been a year since Tony died. I am okay. My family is okay. We are living and putting one foot in front of the other. Life goes on. My heart is opening again. My boys are laughing again. I am laughing again. I am smiling again. I am happy. There are waves that come and go. But right now, my ocean is calm and its beautiful, and feels so good. So I'm going to enjoy it...because it may not be tomorrow.
***FLY HIGH MARISOL***
"Aunt Christy, its Dad and Sissy. Mom can't breath. They've been in an accident. The paramedics called."
"Ok baby girl, take a deep breath. I'm on my way."
I dropped everything and ran out of Walmart. The family that had been there for me from coffee, to setting up Tony's funeral, bringing me breakfast, taking my kids off my hands, making me laugh, and so much more, was about to go through what no parent should ever have to go through.
I pulled up to her house. The car was packed. The family was headed to Georgia, straight to the hospital. "Look at me, you can't control what has happened. BUT I PROMISE YOU...it WILL be ok." I kissed her cheek, took her younger sons to my house and went home. After learning that one of the injuries was life threatening, all I could do was pray. I couldn't change the outcome, but I could be there for my friends. I could keep the boys occupied and off her hands.
I had been texting a dear friend of mine who kept me occupied while I sorted my new baseball and football cards. My latest hobby. He kept my mind calm, because I too was worried.
At 6:39, I received a heartbreaking text. "My daughter died." I couldn't think of anything to say. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING I would say, could make it better...this I knew. I was asked to not share the news with the boys, and she of course had my word. I walked into my room, and fell onto my bed. Screaming into a pillow. Tears drenched my pillow and all I could think to say was, "Tony's got her baby...you know he does." It didn't seem fair. But if there is anything I have learned, none of us are promised tomorrow. I couldn't bring her back, I couldn't take away the pain, I was completely powerless. All I could do, was be there for the family...my family. (and not wanting anything in return mind you)
They say the final phase of grief is acceptance. I believe its helping someone through theirs. This beautiful 15 year old is now our guardian angel and her death allowed me to heal. Its hard to put it into words. God has a plan. We don't understand it. Honestly, I don't like it half the time...but there is a reason if I get out of the way and allow him to work, maybe just maybe I'll see it. Being there for Jessica and Nick, Hannah and the boys, helped me realize I was okay. I could keep living. I could keep showing up. I experienced a horrible loss, and by showing up for a family going through the same...its as if I finished the last chapter of my grief, and closed the book. It allowed me to experience gratitude for my boys and them. And I am GRATEFUL for them in my life. They are my family.
Accepting that your loved one is gone and not coming back is NOT something that happens over night. But it is a must and something you have to push through. Everyone that attended the funeral goes back to their every day lives, while we are still trying to figure out what to make for dinner. One less setting at the dinner table. One less person to shop for at Christmas. One less phone call on Mother's Day. One less person in the family picture. But if you look closely, they are there. There are signs. Pay attention. A penny, an orb, a thought, messages from strangers, a dream.
Its almost been a year since Tony died. I am okay. My family is okay. We are living and putting one foot in front of the other. Life goes on. My heart is opening again. My boys are laughing again. I am laughing again. I am smiling again. I am happy. There are waves that come and go. But right now, my ocean is calm and its beautiful, and feels so good. So I'm going to enjoy it...because it may not be tomorrow.
***FLY HIGH MARISOL***
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