The Next Chapter - The New Journey, Life After...

I sit in my office alone now.  They shut everything down now Isolation and Social distancing.  You say it like it will hurt me.  I've been social distancing for quite a while now.  Communicate in silence now. Apparently there are rules...wow! Do you see my tears?  Do you see my fears?  Do you see what I've been through?  Am I faking it well? That smile I put on this morning?  Nothing seems different to me.  Its just another day without him The person that loved me What do I miss?  I miss being loved.  Lewis Capaldi said it best, "I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved."  The truth is, for me now I do smile for real now.  I can go to the store alone and be okay now. I've accepted he's not by my side now. I learned to step outside. How? With acceptance comes strength.  With strength comes courage.  With courage comes hope.  My hope is back now.  Ready to return to...

Tonight , a year ago, you could hardly talk. Tonight, a year ago, you could hardly stay still. Tonight, a year ago, I made the HARDEST decision, I ever had to make in my life.  T onight, a year ago, I forgot to set my alarm. Tonight, a year ago, you finally relaxed. Tonight, a year ago, we all slept through the night Tonight, a year ago, was the last time I heard you say, "I love you." Does it hurt?  The pain in my chest is gone. Is it hard? I've gotten used to the silence...and sometimes like it. Are you happy? Yes!! I can honestly say, a sense of peace has come over me these past few weeks.  That's what he wanted for me. When I truly accepted his absence, truly allowed myself to be of service to those that are walking the same path I have,  then did I stop being angry and feeling sorry for myself.  Then did I stop making this about MY feelings.  Because I still wanted him around.  That's pretty darn selfish. Its milestones.  If I...

It was another normal December day.  Christmas had been celebrated, the decorations were still up.  Another trip to Walmart when my phone rings.  I can hardly understand the person on the other end. "Aunt Christy, its Dad and Sissy.  Mom can't breath.  They've been in an accident.  The paramedics called." "Ok baby girl, take a deep breath. I'm on my way." I dropped everything and ran out of Walmart.  The family that had been there for me from coffee, to setting up Tony's funeral, bringing me breakfast, taking my kids off my hands, making me laugh, and so much more, was about to go through what no parent should ever have to go through. I pulled up to her house.  The car was packed. The family was headed to Georgia, straight to the hospital. "Look at me, you can't control what has happened.  BUT I PROMISE YOU...it WILL be ok." I kissed her cheek, took her younger sons to my house and went home.  After learning that one of the injuri...

Dear Disney, Thank you for giving Step mothers a bad name.  Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty...all the stories of the EVIL STEP MOTHER with fathers who died.  The father who became sick and how their step mothers were STUCK to raise this child.  How awful the children were treated...this misconception has trickled down throughout the years and painted a horrible picture of what a blended family OUGHT to be.  Not all of us step mothers are bad.  In fact, there is probably more good than bad.  Many of us have slipped our step children extra cash when dad wasn't looking because we didn't want them to go hungry, or run out of gas.  We sit in the background crying when they are sick because the doctors shove us out of the room for not being "blood."  We are told, you don't understand because they aren't your biological child...but the truth is, we fell in love with our step children way faster than we ever fell in love with their dad.  For...

I am finally ready to address what every young widowed person thinks but is afraid to say out loud.  How many of us wonder will I be loved again?  Will I ever be able to love again?  I'm so lonely, but am embarrassed to say it out loud.  I am not always lonely and it doesn't mean I want someone in my bed holding me...or hit and quit it...or maybe you do.  We all had great marriages that were robbed from us.  OF COURSE we want to love someone again.  We still have all of this love and passion to give someone.  But what about my kids?  Will they hate me for bringing another person into their life?  What about my inlaws?  Will they be upset and feel I have forgotten their son/daughter?  Some people say, its too soon for you to have someone in your life.  I say, who says?  Please show me in this rule book of life where it says its too soon to allow someone to make you feel special?  Someone that takes care of you?...

There are no words for this past month.  How to describe how life keeps going and we just keep living it like nothing has changed.  Then reality likes to smack you in the face.  I had a dream that Tony was sitting on a parked bench with a little girl by his side.  He was shaking his impatient leg waiting for someone.  The next scene was peaceful.  My dear friend Branny was swimming gracefully under water.  Then she'd go to the top for air, and then back down in peace.  Tony said, Come on Branny, its going to be ok.  You'll still be with them, but I could use your help.  I assumed with this beautiful little girl he promised to look out for.  Our friends daughter.  The next morning I woke up and texted both my friend and Branny's husband about my dream.  I learned later that Branny went to be with Tony, Debbie, and the rest of our loved ones that same day.  It was as if a band aid had been ripped off my heart and all th...

I woke up one morning.  The house was quiet.  I made a pot of coffee, made my bed, took a shower, and got dressed.  The house was still quiet, so I sipped on my cup of coffee and my brain starting thinking.  You will never be loved again.  You will not be good enough.  Who will know you better than you know yourself?  Why are his clothes still hanging in the closet...he left you.  The tears begin to fall, one by one by one.  The insecurities that were mute while we were married, were doing push ups while he was dying.  The thing is though, I didn't have TIME to pay attention.  There was absolutely no peace and quiet.  And even though he was sick in the bed, his presence and kindness and love was very much still there.  Its easy when someone is sick, or gets injured, loses their job, anything negative, we pray.  We ask for guidance from God.  We ask for his will and kindness.  We say, its going to be ok cause...