Who Wrote the Rulebook on Widow Dating?
I am finally ready to address what every young widowed person thinks but is afraid to say out loud. How many of us wonder will I be loved again? Will I ever be able to love again? I'm so lonely, but am embarrassed to say it out loud. I am not always lonely and it doesn't mean I want someone in my bed holding me...or hit and quit it...or maybe you do. We all had great marriages that were robbed from us. OF COURSE we want to love someone again. We still have all of this love and passion to give someone. But what about my kids? Will they hate me for bringing another person into their life? What about my inlaws? Will they be upset and feel I have forgotten their son/daughter? Some people say, its too soon for you to have someone in your life. I say, who says? Please show me in this rule book of life where it says its too soon to allow someone to make you feel special? Someone that takes care of you? I'm sorry, didn't I take care of my husband until his last breath...literally? For years I held the door for him, its nice to have the door held for me again. Sometimes your friends may not be ready to see you with someone else because lets face it, they've only seen you with your spouse. We don't know anything about dating, being single, pain, emotional waves, oh and you date with apps now? OH PLEASE. Are there any decent ones left? Can you just be my friend? Does there have to be a label?
I have talked to so many like me that have these similar feelings. Maybe you want to meet another widow(er)...someone that understands your emotions. Maybe you reconnect with someone from your past, or you only want to meet someone new that knows nothing of what you're experiencing...a fresh start if you will. Maybe you don't even want to do anything except wake up from this nightmare and hope it was all just some horrible dream. The thought of dating is petrifying. Maybe its exciting. And you know what else...it can change day to day, month to month.
Who's afraid of going through pain again? I have heard of people like me take the plunge and start dating. They meet someone, its great for a month or so, and then not so great. The grieving seems to start all over again. The thought immediately is, my spouse would've never done that to me. You know what? I bet you they did...we just forgot. We forgot the exciting, dating part of our marriage. The excitement of dressing up, spraying perfume, getting to know one another. The anticipation of seeing one another again. We forget the arguments, the times our feelings were hurt, or the times of insecurity. What do they think of me? Why didn't they text me back...ok look when Tony and I started "dating" there wasn't texting LOL You actually had to TALK to the person. Who makes the first move? Was I just rejected? Am I broken? Its just all changed so much, its different.
Now who has actually stopped and thought about what it would be like to meet us. Hi, my name is Christy and do I have some baggage. Eventually you will learn that I am a 38 yr old widow with 5 boys. Will you stop there and run or take time to learn the rest? Or not even care and just live in the moment? This new person probably feels like they are being compared to. That you can't love them the way you loved your spouse. They may feel that they are second best. What you must assure them is they are a beautiful person for making you smile again. They are a saint for making you feeling special again. Remind them they don't have to be gentle...just remind them how short life is and how we should enjoy it.
I often wondered if someone would be able to accept my whole world. Tony's family, all of us. My side of the family, all of them who supported us throughout our journey. Will this new persons family accept ALL of my boys. When I start thinking like that I get so depressed. Truth is for me, I'm not looking for anyone that fits in my world. I'm just enjoying living it. But it gets lonely. So for me, I started golfing, traveling, and just living. I'm ready to make my bucket list and start crossing things off.
I guess what I'm trying to say, if you've lost a loved one that you were romantically involved with, what you're feeling is totally normal. And if you a friend of a widow or widower, take them out and encourage them to be HAPPY!! Be HAPPY for them when they take the plunge, hold them during their first break up. Listen to them when they talk about the man/woman they think about all the time. Be patient when they ask over and over again what the rules are to dating. This is all new to them. If you have kids like me, you'd be surprised how much they just want you to be happy again. I know mine do. They have their rules, but what son doesn't when it comes to their single mom? Does this mean I'm dating? LOL Hardly. What it means is, I am sharing with other widows/ers you're not alone, cause I am feeling the same way.
I have talked to so many like me that have these similar feelings. Maybe you want to meet another widow(er)...someone that understands your emotions. Maybe you reconnect with someone from your past, or you only want to meet someone new that knows nothing of what you're experiencing...a fresh start if you will. Maybe you don't even want to do anything except wake up from this nightmare and hope it was all just some horrible dream. The thought of dating is petrifying. Maybe its exciting. And you know what else...it can change day to day, month to month.
Who's afraid of going through pain again? I have heard of people like me take the plunge and start dating. They meet someone, its great for a month or so, and then not so great. The grieving seems to start all over again. The thought immediately is, my spouse would've never done that to me. You know what? I bet you they did...we just forgot. We forgot the exciting, dating part of our marriage. The excitement of dressing up, spraying perfume, getting to know one another. The anticipation of seeing one another again. We forget the arguments, the times our feelings were hurt, or the times of insecurity. What do they think of me? Why didn't they text me back...ok look when Tony and I started "dating" there wasn't texting LOL You actually had to TALK to the person. Who makes the first move? Was I just rejected? Am I broken? Its just all changed so much, its different.
Now who has actually stopped and thought about what it would be like to meet us. Hi, my name is Christy and do I have some baggage. Eventually you will learn that I am a 38 yr old widow with 5 boys. Will you stop there and run or take time to learn the rest? Or not even care and just live in the moment? This new person probably feels like they are being compared to. That you can't love them the way you loved your spouse. They may feel that they are second best. What you must assure them is they are a beautiful person for making you smile again. They are a saint for making you feeling special again. Remind them they don't have to be gentle...just remind them how short life is and how we should enjoy it.
I often wondered if someone would be able to accept my whole world. Tony's family, all of us. My side of the family, all of them who supported us throughout our journey. Will this new persons family accept ALL of my boys. When I start thinking like that I get so depressed. Truth is for me, I'm not looking for anyone that fits in my world. I'm just enjoying living it. But it gets lonely. So for me, I started golfing, traveling, and just living. I'm ready to make my bucket list and start crossing things off.
I guess what I'm trying to say, if you've lost a loved one that you were romantically involved with, what you're feeling is totally normal. And if you a friend of a widow or widower, take them out and encourage them to be HAPPY!! Be HAPPY for them when they take the plunge, hold them during their first break up. Listen to them when they talk about the man/woman they think about all the time. Be patient when they ask over and over again what the rules are to dating. This is all new to them. If you have kids like me, you'd be surprised how much they just want you to be happy again. I know mine do. They have their rules, but what son doesn't when it comes to their single mom? Does this mean I'm dating? LOL Hardly. What it means is, I am sharing with other widows/ers you're not alone, cause I am feeling the same way.
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