A Breath Of Fresh Air

I woke up one morning.  The house was quiet.  I made a pot of coffee, made my bed, took a shower, and got dressed.  The house was still quiet, so I sipped on my cup of coffee and my brain starting thinking.  You will never be loved again.  You will not be good enough.  Who will know you better than you know yourself?  Why are his clothes still hanging in the closet...he left you.  The tears begin to fall, one by one by one.  The insecurities that were mute while we were married, were doing push ups while he was dying.  The thing is though, I didn't have TIME to pay attention.  There was absolutely no peace and quiet.  And even though he was sick in the bed, his presence and kindness and love was very much still there.  Its easy when someone is sick, or gets injured, loses their job, anything negative, we pray.  We ask for guidance from God.  We ask for his will and kindness.  We say, its going to be ok cause God's got us!!  Miracles happen.  Beautiful moments happen.  We don't lose faith because...he's still here.  Our prayers are being answered.  So whats the problem?  The problem is...now he's gone.  He's left me.  God TOOK HIM from ME.  And now, NOW you want me to pray and trust and turn my life over to the same being that took my EVERYTHING from me?  OK, sure, let me get right on that.  It hurts.  Its painful.  More tears.  And no one seems to really understand.  Not your kids, not your friends, no one.  Unless you have walked in my shoes, can you please just listen?  Then...just when you least expect it, someone that you trust, someone that knows how you think...snaps you out of it.  Christy, but you aren't married anymore.  Christy, you can't grieve for your kids.  Its ok to be selfish right now.  UGH, you're absolutely right.  And mind you, had it come from anyone else, i may have punched them in the throat. Ha Ha. Until I can truly accept that Tony is gone, only then am I ready to start pealing the layers of pain, and grief, and begin to heal.  With grieving, comes healing.

I have had a hard time these past few days.  7 months after a 7 year battle.  I have accepted that he is gone, and he is NOT coming back.  I did that a couple of months ago.  What I struggle with...is praying again.  Accepting God's will.  Allowing Him back into my life.  I'm not angry at God today, I'm just having a hard time trusting him.  I started praying again...on my knees, morning and night.  While I prayed, there were many tears, but also silence.  Things started popping in my head...and I listened.  "Your new tenants moved in today...the same day your other tenants moved out.  You can still pay the mortgage." See I'm a tangible prayer.  I need to SEE proof.  I was having epiphanies. When I didn't plan anything, spur of the moment or allowed others to lead, I had FUN, I was HAPPY, JOYOUS, FREE!!.  I SMILED.  In LA, nothing was really planned and it was absolutely amazing!!  When , the boys and I went to Busch Gardens at the last minute.  No plans, just pack some clothes and lets go.  We winged the whole trip and again, absolute blast.  But when I planned and had expectations on vacations...it wasn't always great.  I found myself angry and upset that things to go according to MY PLAN.  That's it!! The breath of fresh air. The weight off my chest. I DON'T HAVE TO PLAN ANYMORE.  I don't have to schedule everything.  I don't have to figure out how chemo is going to play a part in football.  I can just enjoy watching my son play. I can just jump on a plane and go somewhere.  I can tuck my kids in bed at night and ask them about their day, and not have to rush.  I can enjoy my life TODAY, in the MOMENT, because tomorrow hasn't even happened yet.  Deciding to trust that God has a plan is a struggle still and I'm praying my way through it.  Little signs here and there...let go and pay attention...I just might miss the miracle/message.

I don't have any powerful advise today.  No extraordinary words of encouragement.  I honestly just don't know how my life will pan out...and that's OK. The sun, I pray, will come up tomorrow.  However, tonight, before I go to bed, I will get on my knees, and thank God for keeping my children safe, keeping me a little calmer, and whatever else may pop in my head...cause today, its kinda nice not knowing the plan...cause I can't screw up something I know nothing about.