How Do We Say Goodbye and Move Forward
There are no words for this past month. How to describe how life keeps going and we just keep living it like nothing has changed. Then reality likes to smack you in the face. I had a dream that Tony was sitting on a parked bench with a little girl by his side. He was shaking his impatient leg waiting for someone. The next scene was peaceful. My dear friend Branny was swimming gracefully under water. Then she'd go to the top for air, and then back down in peace. Tony said, Come on Branny, its going to be ok. You'll still be with them, but I could use your help. I assumed with this beautiful little girl he promised to look out for. Our friends daughter. The next morning I woke up and texted both my friend and Branny's husband about my dream. I learned later that Branny went to be with Tony, Debbie, and the rest of our loved ones that same day. It was as if a band aid had been ripped off my heart and all that pain and anger and sadness came rushing back. I prayed about what to do. Plane tickets were expensive, but I promised Branny I would be there for her husband and kids. We were the same age and so are our boys. God is amazing and made it happen. My friends and family were right there to support my departure back to California to say Good Night to our dear friend Branny. Especially one in particular that flew from Florida so I didn't have to be alone. Another that made sure we had a ride to the funeral. Best road trip in a while...even a quick stop with a farmer that made us laugh and know Branny would want us to not miss a great photo op. Other friends that took time out of there busy schedules to take me around, Dave and Busters and golf, play scrabble over burgers and brownie sundaes, Japanese food in Little Tokyo with more ice-cream. Just all in all, great support system. I can honestly say I'm not alone in this journey.
When I came home, I walked into my room and saw Tony's clothes in our closet. They hadn't moved in 8 months. They were still completely disorganized. I had shared with many people that Tony's clothes were still hanging in my closet. How could I accept my current reality if I can't even move his clothes? Oh that's easy. I have boys that rummage through his things when they need a suit, or pants, tie, shirt etc. Makes perfect sense right? NO!! Its just another excuse not to move forward. Outside I am good, but my comfort zone, my home, I wasn't ready to let go. It was safe. I was able to change everything in my home...accept my room. Slowly I started. I cleared off his sink, I changed my bedspread, I even went through his shirts that he hadn't worn in years. Saturday I swear I heard Tony tell me it was time. Saturday night the boys stayed with a friend and Sunday morning I started. The tears started. The pain in my chest was strong. I put his clothes around me just to smell him one more time. "God give me strength." I started with his sweatshirts. I put the ones I wanted in one pile, the ones I knew the boys would want in another, and the I have no idea in a third. I texted the boys to tell them it was time to go through dad's stuff. Dress shirts and slacks would just be moved to Aydin's closet. Let's face it, he will grow into them next. Suits would stay in my closet...yes all 21 of them. 🙈 Whatever the older boys wanted, they would take to their room, or home. But nothing donated. Once the boys are done, its time for the uncles, then nephews. Tony impacted so many people, how could I just donate what may mean something to others? T-shirts go to my mom for a special project. The sadness began to fade. His belongings would have meaning to those he touched. I didn't do this alone. I had emotional support from a woman that I met in LA who understood my pain. God is awesome like that!!
The next day I woke up to an empty closet. OH NOW THAT IS BAD...so I moved some of my clothes to the other side. Simple fix. What I realized through this was a) I don't need any more clothes, b) I need more room for shoes, and c) I got through it. Was it hard? YES, but it didn't totally suck. Somehow accepting, and I mean truly accepting that, yep I am going to say it...Single...and a single (swallowing hard) mom...I have to have a safe place for me to be me. To dance, to pray, to cry, to grieve, to be whomever I want to be at that particular moment without sharing. Without the constant reminder that Tony is gone. Its just where I am at today.
I say today because 6 months ago, don't you dare call me single. Don't call me a single mom, don't say you get it. This journey is just new. Its different. I didn't choose it, but I am adapting. I am overcoming. Grief will not win. I will be happy again. I will love again. Someone may even love me again one day. I deserve it. I have been through hell and back and shook my fist a the devil and said WHAT YOU GOT?!?! But my job is to find balance in being me while giving back to those that are just starting this journey. To continue to love my kids through it. Their pain is different than mine and I refuse to try and understand. I grew up and still have my dad...they don't.
I will never be able to thank those that keep me smiling. That take time to spend with me. It means more than any of you will ever know. Early mornings and late nights are still hard...but that's a whole other entry. Today I prayed and thanked God for waking me up. I've come a long way in 8 months. I'm showing up just like he exemplified to all of us!!
When I came home, I walked into my room and saw Tony's clothes in our closet. They hadn't moved in 8 months. They were still completely disorganized. I had shared with many people that Tony's clothes were still hanging in my closet. How could I accept my current reality if I can't even move his clothes? Oh that's easy. I have boys that rummage through his things when they need a suit, or pants, tie, shirt etc. Makes perfect sense right? NO!! Its just another excuse not to move forward. Outside I am good, but my comfort zone, my home, I wasn't ready to let go. It was safe. I was able to change everything in my home...accept my room. Slowly I started. I cleared off his sink, I changed my bedspread, I even went through his shirts that he hadn't worn in years. Saturday I swear I heard Tony tell me it was time. Saturday night the boys stayed with a friend and Sunday morning I started. The tears started. The pain in my chest was strong. I put his clothes around me just to smell him one more time. "God give me strength." I started with his sweatshirts. I put the ones I wanted in one pile, the ones I knew the boys would want in another, and the I have no idea in a third. I texted the boys to tell them it was time to go through dad's stuff. Dress shirts and slacks would just be moved to Aydin's closet. Let's face it, he will grow into them next. Suits would stay in my closet...yes all 21 of them. 🙈 Whatever the older boys wanted, they would take to their room, or home. But nothing donated. Once the boys are done, its time for the uncles, then nephews. Tony impacted so many people, how could I just donate what may mean something to others? T-shirts go to my mom for a special project. The sadness began to fade. His belongings would have meaning to those he touched. I didn't do this alone. I had emotional support from a woman that I met in LA who understood my pain. God is awesome like that!!
The next day I woke up to an empty closet. OH NOW THAT IS BAD...so I moved some of my clothes to the other side. Simple fix. What I realized through this was a) I don't need any more clothes, b) I need more room for shoes, and c) I got through it. Was it hard? YES, but it didn't totally suck. Somehow accepting, and I mean truly accepting that, yep I am going to say it...Single...and a single (swallowing hard) mom...I have to have a safe place for me to be me. To dance, to pray, to cry, to grieve, to be whomever I want to be at that particular moment without sharing. Without the constant reminder that Tony is gone. Its just where I am at today.
I say today because 6 months ago, don't you dare call me single. Don't call me a single mom, don't say you get it. This journey is just new. Its different. I didn't choose it, but I am adapting. I am overcoming. Grief will not win. I will be happy again. I will love again. Someone may even love me again one day. I deserve it. I have been through hell and back and shook my fist a the devil and said WHAT YOU GOT?!?! But my job is to find balance in being me while giving back to those that are just starting this journey. To continue to love my kids through it. Their pain is different than mine and I refuse to try and understand. I grew up and still have my dad...they don't.
I will never be able to thank those that keep me smiling. That take time to spend with me. It means more than any of you will ever know. Early mornings and late nights are still hard...but that's a whole other entry. Today I prayed and thanked God for waking me up. I've come a long way in 8 months. I'm showing up just like he exemplified to all of us!!
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