The Next Chapter - The New Journey, Life After...

Dear Disney, Thank you for giving Step mothers a bad name.  Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty...all the stories of the EVIL STEP MOTHER with fathers who died.  The father who became sick and how their step mothers were STUCK to raise this child.  How awful the children were treated...this misconception has trickled down throughout the years and painted a horrible picture of what a blended family OUGHT to be.  Not all of us step mothers are bad.  In fact, there is probably more good than bad.  Many of us have slipped our step children extra cash when dad wasn't looking because we didn't want them to go hungry, or run out of gas.  We sit in the background crying when they are sick because the doctors shove us out of the room for not being "blood."  We are told, you don't understand because they aren't your biological child...but the truth is, we fell in love with our step children way faster than we ever fell in love with their dad.  For...

I am finally ready to address what every young widowed person thinks but is afraid to say out loud.  How many of us wonder will I be loved again?  Will I ever be able to love again?  I'm so lonely, but am embarrassed to say it out loud.  I am not always lonely and it doesn't mean I want someone in my bed holding me...or hit and quit it...or maybe you do.  We all had great marriages that were robbed from us.  OF COURSE we want to love someone again.  We still have all of this love and passion to give someone.  But what about my kids?  Will they hate me for bringing another person into their life?  What about my inlaws?  Will they be upset and feel I have forgotten their son/daughter?  Some people say, its too soon for you to have someone in your life.  I say, who says?  Please show me in this rule book of life where it says its too soon to allow someone to make you feel special?  Someone that takes care of you?...

There are no words for this past month.  How to describe how life keeps going and we just keep living it like nothing has changed.  Then reality likes to smack you in the face.  I had a dream that Tony was sitting on a parked bench with a little girl by his side.  He was shaking his impatient leg waiting for someone.  The next scene was peaceful.  My dear friend Branny was swimming gracefully under water.  Then she'd go to the top for air, and then back down in peace.  Tony said, Come on Branny, its going to be ok.  You'll still be with them, but I could use your help.  I assumed with this beautiful little girl he promised to look out for.  Our friends daughter.  The next morning I woke up and texted both my friend and Branny's husband about my dream.  I learned later that Branny went to be with Tony, Debbie, and the rest of our loved ones that same day.  It was as if a band aid had been ripped off my heart and all th...

I woke up one morning.  The house was quiet.  I made a pot of coffee, made my bed, took a shower, and got dressed.  The house was still quiet, so I sipped on my cup of coffee and my brain starting thinking.  You will never be loved again.  You will not be good enough.  Who will know you better than you know yourself?  Why are his clothes still hanging in the closet...he left you.  The tears begin to fall, one by one by one.  The insecurities that were mute while we were married, were doing push ups while he was dying.  The thing is though, I didn't have TIME to pay attention.  There was absolutely no peace and quiet.  And even though he was sick in the bed, his presence and kindness and love was very much still there.  Its easy when someone is sick, or gets injured, loses their job, anything negative, we pray.  We ask for guidance from God.  We ask for his will and kindness.  We say, its going to be ok cause...

6 Months ago we prepared to send you home...nope, we said good bye, I'll see you later.  I can't do this whole send you to heaven in a better place where you should be.  I mean...really, you should be here.  This is grief for you.  So why do I feel guilty for finally having a breath of fresh air?  I can laugh, I can smile, I can do things for me again.  I figured out what it was...I was more worried about what others would think about me starting a new chapter in my life for me, rather than just enjoying it. After I got through my first birthday without him, I made a choice to start doing things for me.  I was tired of being sad all the time, tired of crying, tired of being stressed...over what?  Something that I had absolutely NO POWER over.  Powerlessness is a bitch.  Certain friends reminding me to surrender and turn my life over to God.  He's got a plan, and I need to trust it.  I have to be my own number one.  Its o...

Summer is here!!  That's always a happy time in our house.  We are not winter people.  We like the sunshine, BBQ, pool time.  We enjoy family time, corn holes, basketball, and me, I enjoy summer nights under the sky just soaking it all in.  The life that Tony and I worked so hard for.  We had our family Memorial Day cook out.  Nothing too big, just a small group of friends and family.  The boys were swimming in the pool, the smell of food on the grill filled the back yard.  The sound of laughter echoed.  I too, was happy.  I was smiling and telling jokes.  Not a care in the world.  Just how Tony would want it to be.  It was nice.  It was nice to be around family.  It was nice to be around adults that had experienced the same type of pain as me, and were ALSO enjoying life. I didn't have some magic epiphany or realization that I would be "ok."  That life would go on.  It was just nice.  To ha...

For 13 years he was always by my side.  I always had a date, a partner riding shot gun, someone to talk about my day with.  Now...that's gone.  No dear friends, its not the same when I talk to my girl friends, my brothers, my kids...its a different kind of lonely.  Its the lonely that brings out insecurities. The kind that reminds me of that little girl in high school that never got asked to prom.  The girl that wasn't good enough to commit too, the girl voted most likely to go no where, the one who struggled with weight, and so much more.  Tony helped me realize I was good enough, pretty enough, he made me feel like I mattered.  Because of him, I built my self confidence.  Because of him, I lost my insecurities...and now he's gone. A week ago I went to our Debbie's Dream Gala.  The weekend was perfect.  I found the perfect dress, the hotel let me check in early and even had my dress cleaned for me.  The spa was amazing, people at...