Being Alone In A Crowded Room
For 13 years he was always by my side. I always had a date, a partner riding shot gun, someone to talk about my day with. Now...that's gone. No dear friends, its not the same when I talk to my girl friends, my brothers, my kids...its a different kind of lonely. Its the lonely that brings out insecurities. The kind that reminds me of that little girl in high school that never got asked to prom. The girl that wasn't good enough to commit too, the girl voted most likely to go no where, the one who struggled with weight, and so much more. Tony helped me realize I was good enough, pretty enough, he made me feel like I mattered. Because of him, I built my self confidence. Because of him, I lost my insecurities...and now he's gone.
A week ago I went to our Debbie's Dream Gala. The weekend was perfect. I found the perfect dress, the hotel let me check in early and even had my dress cleaned for me. The spa was amazing, people at the gala were beautiful. I was around hundreds of people. Hugs to so many, followed with, I'm so sorry to hear about Tony. I would smile, and say thank you. But there was no one to pose with in front of the backdrop, no one to dance with, no one to help me with the zipper on my dress. I found myself hitting a low depression when I came home. I stayed in my PJ's, I didn't put on make-up, I didn't even want to get out of bed, let alone make it. I found myself accepting that Tony was gone, and not coming back. The fog started to lift, and reality set in. I'm a 37 year old widow. The love of my life is gone, and I didn't choose any of it.
Everyone says I'm strong, but damn I don't want to be. I have no choice. Yesterday I was driving down the road, wind blowing in my hair, music blasting in the truck just jamming. I slowed down to the red light and looked over to the passenger seat...and it was empty. I wanted nothing more than for my husband to be there. But I know he's not coming back. He's not EVER going to sit there again. AND THAT is a lot to swallow. I don't want to accept it, but I'm beginning to...just a little. So this is where the struggle comes in. Not ready or wanting to date....so far from that, but wanting a companion. Then I think, nope, not this independent woman. I have grown too much and worked to hard to stand on my own two feet. But late at night, early in the morning, riding down the road, when its quiet...its lonely.
I truly have the best friends a girl could ask for. I have support from all over. Though I'm thankful, its not the same. They all have that special someone to curl up with at night. Please don't mistake my missing of companionship as looking or searching...its just part of the grieving process. Its totally normal and its ok. I have to allow myself this time and experience every emotion that comes with it. Suppressing any of it will only have it pop up later at probably the worst times LOL
Losing Tony I would imagine is like losing the hand your write with. You miss it, you're used to it, hell it was the only way you could write and eat. So where am I? I miss my right hand and I sometimes wonder if I could possibly eat with my left. Will anyone understand my handwriting if I write with my left? I will adjust and I will adapt, but life sure won't ever be the same. I'm not ready to take my wedding rings off because my heart isn't ready to share and in a way, my rings protect me. It allows ME to have the CONTROL. It allows me to still feel married, cause checking the unmarried box really sucks.
We are coming up on 4 months since Tony passed away. It sucks because I don't have my companion. Handling the kids and working, that's easy. I can run errands again. I still have to find strength to go to the grocery store because I will pass the pharmacy that I used to visit almost daily. I have a hard time buying less food, but that's what freezers are for. I have learned to adapt, I put both feet on the floor every morning, I got through my week of depression because I MADE A CHOICE. I WILL get up with my alarm, I will rise with the sun, I will allow myself to cry, and I will allow myself to laugh. I am going to smile, and I will get dressed and put make up on because it makes ME feel good. THAT is how I will get through it. Life is way too precious to not show up for it.
A week ago I went to our Debbie's Dream Gala. The weekend was perfect. I found the perfect dress, the hotel let me check in early and even had my dress cleaned for me. The spa was amazing, people at the gala were beautiful. I was around hundreds of people. Hugs to so many, followed with, I'm so sorry to hear about Tony. I would smile, and say thank you. But there was no one to pose with in front of the backdrop, no one to dance with, no one to help me with the zipper on my dress. I found myself hitting a low depression when I came home. I stayed in my PJ's, I didn't put on make-up, I didn't even want to get out of bed, let alone make it. I found myself accepting that Tony was gone, and not coming back. The fog started to lift, and reality set in. I'm a 37 year old widow. The love of my life is gone, and I didn't choose any of it.
Everyone says I'm strong, but damn I don't want to be. I have no choice. Yesterday I was driving down the road, wind blowing in my hair, music blasting in the truck just jamming. I slowed down to the red light and looked over to the passenger seat...and it was empty. I wanted nothing more than for my husband to be there. But I know he's not coming back. He's not EVER going to sit there again. AND THAT is a lot to swallow. I don't want to accept it, but I'm beginning to...just a little. So this is where the struggle comes in. Not ready or wanting to date....so far from that, but wanting a companion. Then I think, nope, not this independent woman. I have grown too much and worked to hard to stand on my own two feet. But late at night, early in the morning, riding down the road, when its quiet...its lonely.
I truly have the best friends a girl could ask for. I have support from all over. Though I'm thankful, its not the same. They all have that special someone to curl up with at night. Please don't mistake my missing of companionship as looking or searching...its just part of the grieving process. Its totally normal and its ok. I have to allow myself this time and experience every emotion that comes with it. Suppressing any of it will only have it pop up later at probably the worst times LOL
Losing Tony I would imagine is like losing the hand your write with. You miss it, you're used to it, hell it was the only way you could write and eat. So where am I? I miss my right hand and I sometimes wonder if I could possibly eat with my left. Will anyone understand my handwriting if I write with my left? I will adjust and I will adapt, but life sure won't ever be the same. I'm not ready to take my wedding rings off because my heart isn't ready to share and in a way, my rings protect me. It allows ME to have the CONTROL. It allows me to still feel married, cause checking the unmarried box really sucks.
We are coming up on 4 months since Tony passed away. It sucks because I don't have my companion. Handling the kids and working, that's easy. I can run errands again. I still have to find strength to go to the grocery store because I will pass the pharmacy that I used to visit almost daily. I have a hard time buying less food, but that's what freezers are for. I have learned to adapt, I put both feet on the floor every morning, I got through my week of depression because I MADE A CHOICE. I WILL get up with my alarm, I will rise with the sun, I will allow myself to cry, and I will allow myself to laugh. I am going to smile, and I will get dressed and put make up on because it makes ME feel good. THAT is how I will get through it. Life is way too precious to not show up for it.
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