The Next Chapter - The New Journey, Life After...

I woke up one morning.  The house was quiet.  I made a pot of coffee, made my bed, took a shower, and got dressed.  The house was still quiet, so I sipped on my cup of coffee and my brain starting thinking.  You will never be loved again.  You will not be good enough.  Who will know you better than you know yourself?  Why are his clothes still hanging in the closet...he left you.  The tears begin to fall, one by one by one.  The insecurities that were mute while we were married, were doing push ups while he was dying.  The thing is though, I didn't have TIME to pay attention.  There was absolutely no peace and quiet.  And even though he was sick in the bed, his presence and kindness and love was very much still there.  Its easy when someone is sick, or gets injured, loses their job, anything negative, we pray.  We ask for guidance from God.  We ask for his will and kindness.  We say, its going to be ok cause...

6 Months ago we prepared to send you home...nope, we said good bye, I'll see you later.  I can't do this whole send you to heaven in a better place where you should be.  I mean...really, you should be here.  This is grief for you.  So why do I feel guilty for finally having a breath of fresh air?  I can laugh, I can smile, I can do things for me again.  I figured out what it was...I was more worried about what others would think about me starting a new chapter in my life for me, rather than just enjoying it. After I got through my first birthday without him, I made a choice to start doing things for me.  I was tired of being sad all the time, tired of crying, tired of being stressed...over what?  Something that I had absolutely NO POWER over.  Powerlessness is a bitch.  Certain friends reminding me to surrender and turn my life over to God.  He's got a plan, and I need to trust it.  I have to be my own number one.  Its o...

Summer is here!!  That's always a happy time in our house.  We are not winter people.  We like the sunshine, BBQ, pool time.  We enjoy family time, corn holes, basketball, and me, I enjoy summer nights under the sky just soaking it all in.  The life that Tony and I worked so hard for.  We had our family Memorial Day cook out.  Nothing too big, just a small group of friends and family.  The boys were swimming in the pool, the smell of food on the grill filled the back yard.  The sound of laughter echoed.  I too, was happy.  I was smiling and telling jokes.  Not a care in the world.  Just how Tony would want it to be.  It was nice.  It was nice to be around family.  It was nice to be around adults that had experienced the same type of pain as me, and were ALSO enjoying life. I didn't have some magic epiphany or realization that I would be "ok."  That life would go on.  It was just nice.  To ha...

For 13 years he was always by my side.  I always had a date, a partner riding shot gun, someone to talk about my day with.  Now...that's gone.  No dear friends, its not the same when I talk to my girl friends, my brothers, my kids...its a different kind of lonely.  Its the lonely that brings out insecurities. The kind that reminds me of that little girl in high school that never got asked to prom.  The girl that wasn't good enough to commit too, the girl voted most likely to go no where, the one who struggled with weight, and so much more.  Tony helped me realize I was good enough, pretty enough, he made me feel like I mattered.  Because of him, I built my self confidence.  Because of him, I lost my insecurities...and now he's gone. A week ago I went to our Debbie's Dream Gala.  The weekend was perfect.  I found the perfect dress, the hotel let me check in early and even had my dress cleaned for me.  The spa was amazing, people at...

I cried today. I didn't want to. I was thinking about the great time the boys and I had yesterday just the 5 of us. We were smiling having a good time even talking about Tony. But today I cried. To day the tears started flowing and the pain in my chest was gut wrenching. It came from my toes and snuck its way up until I couldn't hold it back. I don't know what brought it on help I honestly wish it didn't even start. I had the best dream about him last night. he looked so good. He got down on one knee and proposed again. I was so excited.   The dream was so real I remember it was the day the cleaning ladies were coming and I was quickly running around the house picking everything up. Tony stopped in the middle of the hallway got down on one knee and said please marry me again. That he when he laid in the bed then he gave  Me the look. I chuckled and said we can't honey the cleaning ladies are here lol. It was so real. So real that when I woke up I was miserable. I ju...

What have I learned from being a widow...well, NO I'M NOT SINGLE. I don't care what people say...the box widow and single are different on the forms you have to fill out.  Oh yeah, updating your paperwork sucks.  Like who do I put for my emergency contact?  Who do I put for my kids?  Its just all so heartbreaking of a reminder.  The triggers.  Those are hard too. So the other morning, I did my normal routine of waking up and getting the kids on the bus and then if need be heading to the bathroom etc.  I sat down on the toilet seat only to see that there was no toilet paper on the roll.  Normally, this is no big deal.  "Honey, can you get me some toilet paper?"  As those words were about to leave my mouth, I stopped and said, SHIT!!  I had to do the duck walk...now you ladies ALL know what that is.   I saw the toilet paper was on the sink.  My dearest 8 year old must of had to blow his nose cause there, across the ba...

I am beginning to breath again.  I even laughed.  Its amazing how if you're quiet and you open your mind and heart, you can still hear them.  I still hear my Tony giving me advise, expressing his opinion, and reminding me that he is still around.  Getting to this point wasn't easy. The Monday before Valentines Day, I literally put my foot through my bathroom door because Aydin locked himself in the bathroom.  I told him if he didn't open it I was going to kick in the door.  Well OF COURSE I couldn't go back on my word.  Needless to say, I had to replace the door.  I laugh about it now.  Especially when I heard Tony say, WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING???  Well what can I say, at least doors can be replaced and it was a great stress reliever.  I reminded Aydin we have 10 more years of this and we can do this the easy way or the hard way.  His eyes I think just went back into his head.  Being a mom doesn't change just cau...