A Month Without You
I am beginning to breath again. I even laughed. Its amazing how if you're quiet and you open your mind and heart, you can still hear them. I still hear my Tony giving me advise, expressing his opinion, and reminding me that he is still around. Getting to this point wasn't easy.
The Monday before Valentines Day, I literally put my foot through my bathroom door because Aydin locked himself in the bathroom. I told him if he didn't open it I was going to kick in the door. Well OF COURSE I couldn't go back on my word. Needless to say, I had to replace the door. I laugh about it now. Especially when I heard Tony say, WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING??? Well what can I say, at least doors can be replaced and it was a great stress reliever. I reminded Aydin we have 10 more years of this and we can do this the easy way or the hard way. His eyes I think just went back into his head. Being a mom doesn't change just cause the love of your life died...but finding that balance of calm, anger, and grief is very difficult.
The very next day I was locking up Tony's safe and one of his arrow heads was on the floor. I sliced my heal wide open. At least is was the other foot. Instead of going to the hospital I asked Austin to run to the store and get me super glue. It actually put a smile on my face. Tony didn't believe in stitches. So in true Tony fashion, I superglued my heal back together.
That weekend all our family got together for Aydin. It was a first. It was Aydin's first event without Tony in person. Aydin's cremation cross necklace came in the mail. I put some of Tony's ashes in it. I put the necklace around Aydin, gave him a hug and said I love you. I shed a tear or maybe two when I drove off to go home and get ready for the concert. I of course was running late, but I made it just in time. Seeing some of Aydin's uncles, my dad, all the brothers, my best friends, all were there to support Aydin made me so happy. I only teared up once during his concert. I left an empty seat next to me and the person next to me. I left a seat for Tony...but I know he had front row. The support for Aydin was THE BEST!! We all went out to dinner to celebrate his birthday...another first. All my boys were there!! I love having them all together. It reminds me that my family is still my family, even though we are short one.
Thank God Nikki, my best friend was with me this weekend as we cleaned our workshop. Tony's area was still a mess. The cup he drank out of still had some coke in the bottom. I stopped and just lost it. I MISS MY HUSBAND. I didn't think I would have to do any of this without him...but my friends reminded me I didn't have to do it alone. I think that is what is so important. Not trying to take on this burden of loss alone.
I did however, have to fly to DC all by myself. But it was to meet with our Senators and Congressman to advocate for stomach cancer!! To make a difference. I did it for Tony!! I did it for Debbie, Vicki, Derrick, Rich, Susan, all those we have lost, and those that are still fighting, James, Branny, Jay, and so many others. Tony wanted the truth to be shown. That he didn't go down easy. Not with this cancer. Each person we met with cried when I told them about Tony. Many of them had known him for years from meetings on the Hill. So needleless to say, I am thrilled to hear that something good will come out of Tony's loss. For the FIRST TIME...All the NC Legislatures we met with agreed to sign the letter keeping stomach cancer in the DOD PRCRP for FY20!!! Now, I still have a lot of work to do with follow ups etc. But Ill keep everyone posted.
I flew home yesterday. Hating I didn't get to see a lot of my friends and family...but I'm going to tell you what...I DID IT!! I walked off that airplane and my love wasn't sitting at Starbucks waiting for me. But I heard him tell me to treat myself. So I stopped at the Starbucks we always stopped at, found my car all by myself, and got home with hugs and kisses from the boys. Another first...but I made it. I think that's what's important...to know that if I can get through the first, I can get through the second, and third, and I WILL BE OK!!! Tony is going to stay with me the whole time...he will never leave...I'll never really be alone.
The Monday before Valentines Day, I literally put my foot through my bathroom door because Aydin locked himself in the bathroom. I told him if he didn't open it I was going to kick in the door. Well OF COURSE I couldn't go back on my word. Needless to say, I had to replace the door. I laugh about it now. Especially when I heard Tony say, WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING??? Well what can I say, at least doors can be replaced and it was a great stress reliever. I reminded Aydin we have 10 more years of this and we can do this the easy way or the hard way. His eyes I think just went back into his head. Being a mom doesn't change just cause the love of your life died...but finding that balance of calm, anger, and grief is very difficult.
The very next day I was locking up Tony's safe and one of his arrow heads was on the floor. I sliced my heal wide open. At least is was the other foot. Instead of going to the hospital I asked Austin to run to the store and get me super glue. It actually put a smile on my face. Tony didn't believe in stitches. So in true Tony fashion, I superglued my heal back together.
That weekend all our family got together for Aydin. It was a first. It was Aydin's first event without Tony in person. Aydin's cremation cross necklace came in the mail. I put some of Tony's ashes in it. I put the necklace around Aydin, gave him a hug and said I love you. I shed a tear or maybe two when I drove off to go home and get ready for the concert. I of course was running late, but I made it just in time. Seeing some of Aydin's uncles, my dad, all the brothers, my best friends, all were there to support Aydin made me so happy. I only teared up once during his concert. I left an empty seat next to me and the person next to me. I left a seat for Tony...but I know he had front row. The support for Aydin was THE BEST!! We all went out to dinner to celebrate his birthday...another first. All my boys were there!! I love having them all together. It reminds me that my family is still my family, even though we are short one.
Thank God Nikki, my best friend was with me this weekend as we cleaned our workshop. Tony's area was still a mess. The cup he drank out of still had some coke in the bottom. I stopped and just lost it. I MISS MY HUSBAND. I didn't think I would have to do any of this without him...but my friends reminded me I didn't have to do it alone. I think that is what is so important. Not trying to take on this burden of loss alone.
I did however, have to fly to DC all by myself. But it was to meet with our Senators and Congressman to advocate for stomach cancer!! To make a difference. I did it for Tony!! I did it for Debbie, Vicki, Derrick, Rich, Susan, all those we have lost, and those that are still fighting, James, Branny, Jay, and so many others. Tony wanted the truth to be shown. That he didn't go down easy. Not with this cancer. Each person we met with cried when I told them about Tony. Many of them had known him for years from meetings on the Hill. So needleless to say, I am thrilled to hear that something good will come out of Tony's loss. For the FIRST TIME...All the NC Legislatures we met with agreed to sign the letter keeping stomach cancer in the DOD PRCRP for FY20!!! Now, I still have a lot of work to do with follow ups etc. But Ill keep everyone posted.
I flew home yesterday. Hating I didn't get to see a lot of my friends and family...but I'm going to tell you what...I DID IT!! I walked off that airplane and my love wasn't sitting at Starbucks waiting for me. But I heard him tell me to treat myself. So I stopped at the Starbucks we always stopped at, found my car all by myself, and got home with hugs and kisses from the boys. Another first...but I made it. I think that's what's important...to know that if I can get through the first, I can get through the second, and third, and I WILL BE OK!!! Tony is going to stay with me the whole time...he will never leave...I'll never really be alone.
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