The Tears of Pain Come Unexpectedly

I cried today. I didn't want to. I was thinking about the great time the boys and I had yesterday just the 5 of us. We were smiling having a good time even talking about Tony. But today I cried. To day the tears started flowing and the pain in my chest was gut wrenching. It came from my toes and snuck its way up until I couldn't hold it back. I don't know what brought it on help I honestly wish it didn't even start. I had the best dream about him last night. he looked so good. He got down on one knee and proposed again. I was so excited.   The dream was so real I remember it was the day the cleaning ladies were coming and I was quickly running around the house picking everything up. Tony stopped in the middle of the hallway got down on one knee and said please marry me again. That he when he laid in the bed then he gave  Me the look. I chuckled and said we can't honey the cleaning ladies are here lol. It was so real. So real that when I woke up I was miserable. I just wanted to go back to sleep so we could be together. But then life happens. The kids wake up, they're hungry, they need to eat. And this stupid cold I have made it 10 times worse. People tell me that in time these episodes will be fewer and fewer.   But the truth is I just miss him so much. I still love him with everything I have. It seems like no matter what I do I can not accept the fact that hes not coming back. It's not getting any easier... OK maybe a little but only because I'm pretending. I feel like nobody truly understands. I feel like everybody has someone to grieve with. But the one person I want isn't coming back and there is absolutely nobody else that can take that place and honestly, I don't want anyone else...so don't even try.

I will say though I managed to finish washing my hair and get out of the shower and get dressed. I know this episode will pass and I will be able to continue to enjoy the rest of the time I have with the boys at the beach like Tony would want us to have.  I will manage to dry the tears and keep going.   But right now in this moment, I'm in so much pain and heartache.  Writing is how I cope. Writing is how I grieve.  Writing is my escape.  So through my tears, I write until they stop.  Until it passes.  Until I take a deep breath and keep moving through the fog.

The sun came up today.  Its beautiful outside.  The kids are at the pool and I am going to go shopping...might even buy myself a new pair of shoes...and say they were from my love!!!  :)  He wants me to be happy.  I can feel his presence.  He wouldn't want me to cry.  And now, this episode has passed.


Comments

  1. TinaApril 28, 2019 at 9:24 AM

    The pain will nv completely ever go away! I may not know what its like losing a husband by cancer but i do know what its like losing a brother to cancer. I hate cancer sooo much and wish there was no such thing as it! That's how I've always been, writing helps for me some. Whatever u have to do to help ur self grieve and heal. There's always going to be some happy days yet most sad crying day's. Take care!

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  2. CindyMay 1, 2019 at 1:49 PM

    Beautiful expression of the heart and soul-pain of grief, Christy. Thank goodness the writing is helpful for you! My little group of widow friends calls it the "STUG" = Sudden, Temporary (thank the heavens), Upsurge (like from your toes, so physical in nature) of Grief...in all of its intensity. I want to reassure you that those awful moments will diminish over time, and you'll find ways to fill the hole in your heart, even as Tony will always and forever be your Beloved. I know that Greg is still mine, after 10 years (lost to stomach cancer in 2009). Caring support coming your way <3

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