Don't Forget The Toilet Paper

What have I learned from being a widow...well, NO I'M NOT SINGLE. I don't care what people say...the box widow and single are different on the forms you have to fill out.  Oh yeah, updating your paperwork sucks.  Like who do I put for my emergency contact?  Who do I put for my kids?  Its just all so heartbreaking of a reminder.  The triggers.  Those are hard too.

So the other morning, I did my normal routine of waking up and getting the kids on the bus and then if need be heading to the bathroom etc.  I sat down on the toilet seat only to see that there was no toilet paper on the roll.  Normally, this is no big deal.  "Honey, can you get me some toilet paper?"  As those words were about to leave my mouth, I stopped and said, SHIT!!  I had to do the duck walk...now you ladies ALL know what that is.   I saw the toilet paper was on the sink.  My dearest 8 year old must of had to blow his nose cause there, across the bathroom, was the toilet paper.  So I do the little shake shake, wait for any drips, and duck walk to the sink for the toilet paper.  And I hope you are laughing and smiling while reading this cause I sure as hell was. I found though, after a good laugh, the tears did start to trickle down my face.  The reminder that he PHYSICALLY wasn't here.  I know I'm not alone, but physically, he wasn't able to get my toilet paper.  So now, I've made it an effort to check for TP AND make sure there are now 2 rolls next to the toilet, instead of just 1.

Its just like coffee.  When I go to the grocery store, I now buy 2 containers of coffee instead of 1.  Why?  Cause I can't just send Tony to the grocery store for me real quick cause we are out of coffee.  That and I felt bad to keep asking the teenager to grab coffee on his way home.  I've learned a few things over the past month that may seem small to some, but help ease the triggers for me.

I have put myself on a routine.  Daily morning showers.  WHAT???  WITH HOT WATER!!  Towards the last 6 months of Tony's journey, I felt like I had no time to take a shower.  I didn't know what may happen during the day, so I was always rushing to finish work or get it done.  A Duke trip was inevitable and their showers just suck.  If I got a shower it was a night after the boys took theirs and I hardly got hot water.  So now I make sure to take a shower every morning, get dressed, and even put on make up.  It makes me feel good about myself.  While Tony was sick, putting make up on was a chore and rushed and it didn't make me feel good.  Now I'm washing my face twice a day, my skin is looking better, and I'm wearing make up again.  The first day I got dressed and all that, Ashton asked me where I was going with a confused look.  I chuckled and told him I'm meeting some friends for lunch.  The next day, I had a business meeting in town.  Austin said, "Where are YOU GOING?"  I said a financial meeting.  He said WHY???  That night, Alec said, let me find out you didn't go to a meeting.  THANKS BOYS for being so protective, but I assure you, I'm only handling family matters.  It had been so long since the boys seen me take care of myself, they weren't used to it.  

Last week was busy, lunch with friends, lawyer appointments, the boys and I started therapy.  It all felt good to get out of the house and cross things off my list.  We got a lot of work done around the house.  7 years of house neglect, FINALLY.  It feels really nice.  Yesterday all the boys were here.  I hope we can do dinner Friday night, maybe watch the UNC Auburn basketball game.  Its really important to me to get my family all together at least once a month.  I will say they trashed my house yesterday, but I'll take it.

So what happens the second month of being a widow?  Well, that's up to you.  We all grieve differently.  People start to go back to their normal lives while I still cry.  We often say, UGH I wish dad were hear so I could talk to him about this new gun I bought, or honey, can you believe they are doing this to me?  The love most definitely does not stop or fade...not even a bit.  What it is, is you miss them.  You miss them oh so much.  You wish you could just pick up the phone and hear their voice on the other end.  You still feel like the only people that get it are those that were closest to him.  But I can tell you this...

EVERY DAY I GET UP.  I MAKE MY BED SO THAT I DON'T CRAWL BACK IN AND PULL THE COVERS OVER MY HEAD

I SHOW UP FOR LIFE

and Finally...I MAKE EVERY EFFORT To set an example to my boys that life goes on.  and we are blessed to have today and we MUST make every moment count.  When we take breaks from life, nothing gets done.  We are a family and family is all you got.  Lead by example and don't allow his legacy to be one Tony wouldn't be proud of.

Until next time...This widow survived another month!!