The Pain Is Gut Wrenching

The pain in my heart is the worst type of pain.  Its physical, its tight, it hurts in my chest.  No one understands.  The one person I want to cry to isn't here.  He was ripped from my soul.  And I'm supposed to somehow keep it going.  I'm supposed to get up and put both feet on the floor and keep moving.  My Ashton saw me crying the other night.  And I mean the hard deep gut wrenching cry.  He said, "Mommy, we have to keep moving forward.  Guess what mommy, the sun is going to come up tomorrow."  Why did he have to repeat my words?  I just hugged him.  While I'm speaking these words to my children, I'm asking WHY.  WHY GOD?  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  We have the love that people read about in story books.

I said Have...not had.  I am in love with my Tony...that hasn't and will not ever change.  I have a husband.  I have a relationship with a man that I just can't touch...except for late at night, I can still feel him holding me.  The moment between sleep and awake, as I'm drifting, if I pay attention, I can feel his arms around me.  I can hear him talking to me.

These past 3 weeks have been the hardest 3 weeks of my life.  I thought telling my boys their daddy's cancer was back was hard.  I thought sitting with Tony hearing the words hospice were hard.  I thought I was prepared...but no..NOTHING prepares you for this.

See everyone else that is grieving has their person.  They have the person they can turn to and cry with.  Me?  I'm sorry yall, but he's gone.  The one person I want to comfort me is gone.  HE WAS TAKEN FROM ME.  He fought so hard to stay.  He wanted to stay.  He didn't ask to leave.  He told me he loved me and would never leave me.  This isn't a divorce, a breakup, or an affair.  He wanted to stay and wasn't allowed.

I am really mad at God right now.  I am supposed to be leaning on him...but I don't understand his reasoning.  Not just for taking Tony from me, but from my boys.  My boys are going to grow up without a daddy.

Aydin is so angry right now.  He doesn't want to show pain, he doesn't want to cry, he's just angry.  Its hard to comfort an angry 10 year old when I'm just as angry.  Last night he and I really got into an argument...over a shower.  Taking a shower is a chore.  Then I find myself getting mad at Tony for not being here to help me.  But I don't want to be mad at Tony.

Finding a balance of grief, anger, and keeping up with routine and right and wrong is a whole new can of worms.  But I'm trying.  I may not have it right, but I'm trying.  We have slammed doors, ripped up pillows, and even some holes...but all that can be replaced and is just an outlet for all of our pain.

I'm tired of crying, and I'm not ok.  But I may be in 10 minutes after I take a shower, wash my face, and make my bed.  Its moment by moment, not day by day.  Its looking forward to something positive like Aydin's All County Chorus concert on Saturday!!!  My Aydin's 11th birthday coming up.  Getting through all the firsts.  Its the year of the Firsts...

I have 2 pictures of Tony on my desk.  I miss him.  But I'm still head over heals in love with that man.  He has made the past decade of my life absolutely amazing.  And I'm not done.  Not by a long shot.  I'm meeting with our NC Legislatures in a few weeks to discuss Stomach Cancer.  I WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING.  I WILL KEEP HIS LEGACY GOING.  Tony will NOT be forgotten.  Maybe, just maybe I am having to experience this pain to build up more strength cause God has a bigger plan.  Maybe?  But for now, I will weep, I will grieve, and I will continue to wake up every morning...cause I made a promise.


Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 12, 2019 at 1:03 PM

    You are entitled to your grief and anger. Grieve as long as you need. You are such an inspiration Christy! So many people, including myself, appreciate you, Tony and your children! Stay string! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownFebruary 15, 2019 at 11:55 AM

    You have every right to be angry at God and anyone else you feel like. We had a friend here in Raleigh lose his wife 2 years ago to cancer. He and his 6 year old daughter had very similar anger.

    Don't discount your feelings or apologize. God bless you and I'll have my family add yours to our prayer list. It never hurts to have some extra help...

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownFebruary 22, 2019 at 3:53 AM

    I have been so angry since my husband passed it will be a year on the 28 of feb to me it doesn't feel like a year its like i am still waiting for him to walk threw that door. I still love him so much that the pain in my heart really hurts. Thank you writing this
    Always in love with my husband. Cris

    ReplyDelete

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