Being Numbe One
6 Months ago we prepared to send you home...nope, we said good bye, I'll see you later. I can't do this whole send you to heaven in a better place where you should be. I mean...really, you should be here. This is grief for you. So why do I feel guilty for finally having a breath of fresh air? I can laugh, I can smile, I can do things for me again. I figured out what it was...I was more worried about what others would think about me starting a new chapter in my life for me, rather than just enjoying it.
After I got through my first birthday without him, I made a choice to start doing things for me. I was tired of being sad all the time, tired of crying, tired of being stressed...over what? Something that I had absolutely NO POWER over. Powerlessness is a bitch. Certain friends reminding me to surrender and turn my life over to God. He's got a plan, and I need to trust it. I have to be my own number one. Its ok to be selfish. Its ok to need space, and take time for myself.
I sat the boys down after we came home from the beach and we had a long talk about respect. For 7 years the boys were able to come and go in and out of my room as they pleased because that's where Tony was most of the time. When Tony died, I wanted them in bed with me, I didn't want to be alone. Now, I need them to respect my space. I need them to knock, I need my privacy. Without that time of unwinding, I am not the mom I want to be. I'm learning this whole mom to sons with a daddy in heaven...honoring his legacy while writing a new chapter for me. That's something that keeps me up at night. I have found that only other moms and dads like me get it. The best part, is when they give me their blessings...cause they've been in my shoes. When my close friends are part of the #TEAMHAPPYCHRISTY LOL Those are the ones that are still here...after 6 months.
In 6 months I've had my world flipped upside down, watched my boys fall flat on their face, picked them up, brushed them off with hugs, and established boundaries for me. I've listened, loved, and reassured our family unit. I've gone to concerts with my girl friends, reconnected with old friends, held my boys while they cry, gotten mad at Tony for leaving, and then thanking him for telling me to go be happy. Greif is definitely a journey...but like I said before, I started grieving when he was diagnosed. Its been a long 7 years...am I done grieving? I don't know, but what I do know, is I'm DONE BEING SAD OVER SOMEHING I CAN'T CONTROL.
It feels amazing to be my own number one and not feel bad about it. I can be such a better friend, mom, woman...just a better person when I put myself first. I can take a deep breath and smile without worry today!! :)
Just a quick thank you to my kids for continuing to be there. We are going to be ok!! :) We will continue to focus on our good days. To my parents who are my rock stars!! My girls Nikki, Jess, Sara, Michelle, Terri, Jaime, April and the rest of you for not letting me fall flat on my face...and my brothers!! Lo, Broin, Frank...fist bump!! FAMILY FIRST!!! I couldn't have gotten through these 6 months of craziness without any of you!! so with that... LA GIRLS TRIP HERE WE COME!!!!!!
After I got through my first birthday without him, I made a choice to start doing things for me. I was tired of being sad all the time, tired of crying, tired of being stressed...over what? Something that I had absolutely NO POWER over. Powerlessness is a bitch. Certain friends reminding me to surrender and turn my life over to God. He's got a plan, and I need to trust it. I have to be my own number one. Its ok to be selfish. Its ok to need space, and take time for myself.
I sat the boys down after we came home from the beach and we had a long talk about respect. For 7 years the boys were able to come and go in and out of my room as they pleased because that's where Tony was most of the time. When Tony died, I wanted them in bed with me, I didn't want to be alone. Now, I need them to respect my space. I need them to knock, I need my privacy. Without that time of unwinding, I am not the mom I want to be. I'm learning this whole mom to sons with a daddy in heaven...honoring his legacy while writing a new chapter for me. That's something that keeps me up at night. I have found that only other moms and dads like me get it. The best part, is when they give me their blessings...cause they've been in my shoes. When my close friends are part of the #TEAMHAPPYCHRISTY LOL Those are the ones that are still here...after 6 months.
In 6 months I've had my world flipped upside down, watched my boys fall flat on their face, picked them up, brushed them off with hugs, and established boundaries for me. I've listened, loved, and reassured our family unit. I've gone to concerts with my girl friends, reconnected with old friends, held my boys while they cry, gotten mad at Tony for leaving, and then thanking him for telling me to go be happy. Greif is definitely a journey...but like I said before, I started grieving when he was diagnosed. Its been a long 7 years...am I done grieving? I don't know, but what I do know, is I'm DONE BEING SAD OVER SOMEHING I CAN'T CONTROL.
It feels amazing to be my own number one and not feel bad about it. I can be such a better friend, mom, woman...just a better person when I put myself first. I can take a deep breath and smile without worry today!! :)
Just a quick thank you to my kids for continuing to be there. We are going to be ok!! :) We will continue to focus on our good days. To my parents who are my rock stars!! My girls Nikki, Jess, Sara, Michelle, Terri, Jaime, April and the rest of you for not letting me fall flat on my face...and my brothers!! Lo, Broin, Frank...fist bump!! FAMILY FIRST!!! I couldn't have gotten through these 6 months of craziness without any of you!! so with that... LA GIRLS TRIP HERE WE COME!!!!!!
Beautiful pictures! Thank you for sharing! Continued prayers for you and your boys!
ReplyDelete